*trigger warning*

These last couple of weeks have been extremely hard. The fact that I’m actually alive to tell the story has shocked a lot of people especially doctors, but it’s not something that in any way, shape or form that I’m happy about. 

About two weeks ago (14th October) was the 9 year anniversary of the torturous day I was raped. Every year that day goes by it only gets harder and harder as my mental health declines. I guess that day was when this “down” period of my mental state started. I was a mess that day, I locked myself in my room and just cried. Some people know that the rape occurred but nobody knows exactly when so they all just assumed my depression and anxiety was “playing up” that day. Ever since then my mood has been low, nothing has seemed to be able to cheer me up, not even seeing my puppy- Yogi. My self harm was/still is at its all time worst (I’ve gotten 102 stitches in the past two weeks), also I’ve been restricting a lot (at most I’ve been consuming 300cals a day) and anything that I do eat never stays down. 

I wasn’t great but I was managing, until I saw my mum on Friday. The first thing she said was “oh shit you’re losing weight again” then she proceeded to try and force a slice of pizza in my mouth. I did not want to be there, the only reason I was there was to see my brother for his birthday. I quickly saw my brother, gave him a hug and his presents then left. The guilt I felt after leaving was immense. I hated myself so fucking much. Long story short, I went home and overdosed. I took a weeks worth of all my medications (would have been more but it was all I had access to). I took all the pills, quickly scribbled a note then put myself to bed. This was all around 7pm. 

Around 9.30pm I awoke to being shaken by the staff at my group home. Unfortunately they found my note far too soon and called an ambulance. I kept going in and out of consciousness and the next thing I know I’m in hospital having my stomach pumped. I was kept in the emergency department until Saturday afternoon. I was really drowsy and I slept most of the time. Then I was transferred to the psych unit (completely against my will). All I wanted was to go home. At that point I wasn’t even sure if I still had a home. I thought my group home might have kicked me out because of the overdose.

On Monday I was discharged from the hospital, luckily my group home hadn’t kicked me out and they’re not too angry with me. My mum is upset with me though. She hates it when I’m in hospital because she feels “obligated” to see me. 

Anyway, sorry for the long update. I guess it was good to get it off my chest. I hope you all are doing well. Please don’t ever forget that I am here for you all. I my kik is skinnywishingwell 

Love you

I wish…

I wish my arms were the size of my wrists, I wish my calves were the size of my ankles and my thighs the size of my calves. I wish my stomach was concave and for my collarbones to stick out like razor blades. I wish my jaw bone was visible and my teeth as white as pearls. I also wish for a sane mind and a happy life but I’m willing to sacrifice that for a perfectly shaped body. 

Never.Eating.Again.

So last night was shit. I went out clubbing with my “bestfriend” and she called me fat. It just completely ruined my good mood because I was already really self conscious. Then we met up with some guys and one of them wanted to have sex but I didn’t want to because I didn’t want him to see my ugly fat body naked. My friend was really pressuring me to have sex with him but I refused and she got the shits with me. As we were leaving my friend had a go at me because I ruined her night. She kicked me out of the car and told me to get my own way home (I had no money and was in the middle of the city- roughly 50km from home) but her partner talked her into taking me home. They ignored me the whole time in the car and I was just sitting in the back silently bawling my eyes out. Now she’s not replying to my texts and all my stuff is at her place. Overall it was just a shit night. All I want is to die. I solemnly swear I will not be eating for the next three days. 

Ruined

So I’m out clubbing with my “best friend” and she calls me fat. Night=ruined. Goal? To get so drunk that I forget. 

My message from Ana

You are fat. You always have been and you always will be fat. Especially if you eat, you will always be fat. If you eat will only get fatter. Do NOT eat! Don’t EVER eat because you will only get fatter. You don’t want to get ever fatter, do you? FAT is ugly. Fat is worthless. Fat is disgusting, and guess what? YOU are fat. 

You must not eat. You must starve as long as possible. Who cares if you pass out? Hunger hurts but starving works. You must starve, or else you’ll get fatter and people will disown you, especially your family. 

Food has calories, disgusting, fattening calories. Food is the enemy, I am your friend, your only friend. Only I understand. 

If anyone asks, you’re fine. You are not hungry and there is nothing wrong with you. If they ask what you ate you must make something up. Tell them you ate but make sure you don’t actually eat, or you will only get fatter. 

You are fine, there is nothing wrong with you. People may say you have an illness but you are not sick. You are fine. You are on your journey to thin. That does not mean there is something wrong. You wil get skinny but I will always tell you that you’re fat, because in reality you will still be fat. You will always still be fat. I will take you to slim but you’ll still be fat. You’ll believe me when I talk to you. You must trust me. Everything I say is true, I am never wrong. I will never do any harm but I will be firm. There are strict boundaries and laws you must follow or you will be punished. You must do and say everything I say and do. I am always right, so do not question me. You are to stay in control. You are to control yourself and obey my orders. When you think you’re losing control, read this and you’ll realise it’s all going to be worth it in the end. 

Love Ana

Well fuck

These past twenty days have been excruciating. I was put into treatment for my ED for ten days where I gained fucking 5.3kg (11.6lbs). I was force fed via NG tube for no fucking reason. I was no where near being underweight. I’m so fucking huge it’s disgusting. I WILL lose it all plus more. I can’t stand being this fucking fat and ugly. Starting from tomorrow I will be doing the 2468 diet again since that seemed to work well. See how that goes. 

I hope you all are doing well. Love you all!

Anxiety levels at an all time high…

Hey guys, I really am sorry about the amount of time passing between each update. I really should be posting more regularly. 

Not much is going on other than the fact that I could be pregnant. I can’t find out for sure for another week because no pregnancy test can give a definitive answer until my period is due. I am so extremely anxious about it all right now. I’ve already decided that if I am pregnant I will be keeping it. There was no “if”s or “but”s about it. I personally only agree with abortion in extreme circumstances (eg. rape), but I am pro-choice; Just because I don’t agree with it doesn’t mean I have the right to stop others from making their own decisions for their life. So if I am pregnant I will be keeping the baby. That is a very BIG “if” though. My anxiety could be driving me crazy for nothing. 

Anyway, other than that I haven’t really got anything to say. It’s only 8.30pm but I am off to bed. So extremely tired for no good reason. 

Night guys!

It’s been a while

Hey guys, I know it’s been a while since I last posted and I apologise for that. Life has been a bit crazy these last couple of weeks. I started a new medication about a month ago and it’s kind of messing with my brain. It was supposed to stabilise my moods but it’s doing the complete opposite. I’ve been having a lot of “high” moments but they don’t last long and I just mentally crash back down afterwards. The “lows” after the “highs” seem to be getting much worse and in those moments I kind of lose control of myself. I lose all perspective and logical thinking and the intrusive thoughts get quite intense. I feel great in the high moments but I can’t actually enjoy it because I know that the “higher” I feel, the harder and lower the crash of my mood will be and it’s terrifying. 

As to my eating, I’ve been having good and bad days. Occasionally I have days where I can eat and the guilty feeling afterwards isn’t as intense, but most days I cannot even have coffee without having the urge to purge and cannot eat at all because the fear and shame is so strong. 

That’s about it for the last little while. Please don’t ever forget that I am here for you all. My kik is 

skinnywishingwell 

I’d love to get to know you and I want you to know that I appreciate every single one of you. You’re all amazing and I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Sick sick sick

Hey guys! Hope you’re all doing fantastically. I haven’t been too well these last couple of days. I’ve been stuck in bed with what I’m hoping is just the flu- cold sweats, fever, sore throat, swollen glands, trouble swallowing and a really nasty cough. I have had glandular fever in the past and this feels very similar so I’m not very happy about that. Quite disappointed actually. 

Aside from that everything has been terrible. Every day has been terrible food days. Today I had around 1200 calories. It’s disgusting. I feel as though I’m binging all the time now. Normally after eating so much I purge but I haven’t had any time alone today to purge. I’m disgustingly fat and huge. I’m so disappointed in myself. How the fuck did I allow myself to eat so much. I’m planning to do a three day fast starting from tomorrow, only allowing coffee and water. 

Anyway I’m off to bed early. Night all. Love you ❤️💗💜💙💚💛