I love you all

Hello my lovely little warriors! Once again I apologise for my absence, I’m really struggling to manage life at the moment. 

I had a massive binge yesterday… well it wasn’t really that much but it was enough to make me gain. I felt so incredibly guilty afterwards that I purged but I obviously mustn’t have gotten it all out. I added an extra hour and a half to my exercise routine today to try and lose every ounce of what I gained plus some. I hope it works. I did plan on fasting today but my school threatened to suspend me for not following orders if I didn’t eat. I was very close to taking the suspension but my group home wouldn’t be very happy if I got suspended and considering they’re already quite angry with me I thought I better not push them too far. So I gave in and ate a bit of a salad. I feel so disgusting after eating it. I know it’s just a salad but I felt horribly huge and fat before eating and it just amplified those feelings. 

I’ve decided to ditch the abc diet once again. I didn’t make it as far as I did last time but oh well. I’m just going to figure out a weekly routine for me to follow, one more realistic for me to stick to. 

I going to have to love you and leave you now. I hope you’re all doing well. Message me on kik if any of you need to talk. I’ve now got over a hundred followers which feels kind of amazing. I never made this blog in aim for any followers, it started as a place for me to vent and kind of keep a journal/log of how I’m doing. I just want you all to know how much I appreciate every single one of you, you’re all so precious and fabulous. Love you all! 

Day 14 of the ABC diet

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t updated for a couple of days, life has been pretty full on. I’ve been passing out more frequently recently but I haven’t told anyone because my group home has threatened to kick me out if it keeps happening.

Today my mum came over and it was okay to start with. We were just chatting away then she mentioned that today makes 23 days sober. I was so happy, over the moon, ecstatic! I congratulated her, told her how proud I am of her and that I know it must be really hard. Then out of no where she punched me in the face and walked out. I just sat there wondering what the fuck I did wrong this time. 

A couple of hours later I fucked up. I kind of briefly “zoned out” and the next thing I noticed I was carving the word “fat” into my leg. I couldn’t be bothered fighting the urges so I just continued. After a while I realised I couldn’t just put a bandaid on it and forget about it, it needed stitches. Off to the Emergency department I went.

When I got to emergency the triage nurse saw the self harm and called the mental health team for an assessment. I lied my ass off and said that I’m fine so they sent me home. Now I’m at home just laying in bed. Today’s calorie limit was 350, I disappointingly had 400. 

Can you guess my favourite word?

Fuck. Today was fucking fucked up. Yesterday I was told I couldn’t go to school today because I have a psychiatrist appointment, so I set my alarm an hour later than normal. When I did eventually get up I went to the office to get my meds and when I got there the team leader of my group home had a go at me, yelling at me for not going to school. I tried explaining to her that I was told I couldn’t go because I had an appointment and wouldn’t get back in time but she got the shits and ordered another staff member to drive me to school immediately and said she would pick me up from school early and take me to my appointment. So off I went to school, an hour late

. Once I got there I attempted to do some school work but couldn’t concentrate so I walked out and spent the rest of the day outside smoking. My teachers weren’t very happy but they accepted the fact they couldn’t physically force me to do my school work. 

Around 1.30pm the team leader from my group home came and picked me up then took me to my appointment. This was the first time I met my new psychiatrist, and he was a complete dick. He didn’t even ask how I was feeling, he just said “here take this medication and I’ll see you in two weeks”. Umma… Hello? Am I not a real person who has real feelings? An individual different from everyone else? Am I apparently exactly the same as every other client he’s met? It just really pissed me off. Then my case manager (who was also in the appointment) asked me why my GP didn’t give me a referral to an ED clinic and I told her exactly what my GP said- it’s her job to be trying to manage and understand me instead of her just palming me off to someone else. She wasn’t happy about that but too fucking bad. She’s been a fucking bitch lately and I’m sick of it. I’m done putting up with it, no more. 

Anyway, I’m home now. Just trying to sleep under my heater, I’ve been so very cold lately, no matter what the weather is like outside. Today’s calorie limit is 150, so far I’ve had about 100. 

Day ten

Today is day ten of the abc diet and it is a fast day. I regrettably consumed 14 calories when I had two cups of beef stock. I regret it now but at the time I was convinced that I really needed it as my stomach was so painful and making extraordinarily loud noises. So I guess that doesn’t really count as a fast then… I’m extremely disappointed and angry with myself so I added an extra hour to my usual work out (total of 700 calories burnt). That’s about it for today. I have an appointment with my doctor and case manager tomorrow, not really looking forward to it. 

Fuck fucketty fuck

So the Team Leader at my group home decided it’s not safe for me to stay there because the staff are scared I’m going to pass out again and they’re not medically trained. I haven’t passed out since Saturday but I was quite close to it about half an hour ago when I stood up too fast. So they’ve dumped me at the hospital and shipped the problem to them. This is the seven or eighth time I’ve been sent to the hospital for the same issue and every time they come back with the same inconclusive results, which I’m sure they’re going to get today. Oh well, I’ll be home soon enough. They won’t keep me in because I’m fine and theres nothing wrong with me. Although, one of the staff members told the triage nurse that I haven’t been eating, hopefully they don’t investigate down that avenue because the last thing I want/need is to be force fed via feeding tube. I’m feeling fine. And I DID actually eat yesterday, I had half a can of corn (53 calories) and four crackers (57 calories). So they can’t have a go at me for not eating because that is a lie. 

Anyway, today is day eight of the abc diet and my calorie limit is 400. I’ve had 30 calories so far (a coffee and sugar free V). I’m in the emergency waiting room at the hospital at the moment. Hopefully I won’t be here for too long. 

Sorry guys!

Hey guys, I’m incredibly sorry I haven’t been on the last couple of days. Haven’t been feeling too well. I ended up in hospital again yesterday, I passed out and the staff at my group home called an ambulance. At first I wasn’t going to go with the ambos to the hospital, I felt fine and there was nothing wrong with me. Then they took my blood sugar level and it was 3.4 which is a bit low, so the staff made me go to hospital. I really didn’t want to go to hospital because every single time I go the doctors always come up with inconclusive results and just send me home, so they took to a different hospital than the one I normally go to, just to see if a different set of doctors could come up with better results. I know the reason I’m passing out all the time is because I’m not eating “properly” and the staff at my group home have pretty much figured it out, but I refuse to tell any doctors about that because I don’t want to end up  inpatient on a feeding tube again. I was in the waiting room at the hospital for about five hours before I got the shits and discharged myself. The staff at my group home weren’t happy about that but because I’m over 18 there was nothing they could do about it. 

Anyway, today was day seven of the abc diet with a calorie limit of 300. I had 308, I’m disappointed that I went over but I burnt off around 500 cals today through exercise so I know I definitely burnt it off. 

60 hours and counting…

I’ve now been awake for 60.5 hours and my head is buzzing. Last night I was in the emergency waiting room all night and no matter what position I tried I couldn’t get comfy enough to nap. The night before my anxiety levels were so high I didn’t sleep a blink. I tried sleeping once I got home from the hospital today but my brain refuses to shut off without medications and the staff at my group home refused to give me anything to help me sleep because it was 9am. Then I had a GP appointment at 10am. I was so jittery I couldn’t sit still long enough for the blood pressure machine to work and my pulse was through the roof (162). My GP is as frustrated as I am about all my doctors not communicating and not coming up with a mutual conclusion as to what the fuck is wrong with me. He said he’s going to talk to my neurologists and then get back to me with his opinion.

After my GP appointment I came home and realised how far behind I am on all my studies and decided I needed to study right then and there for my exam that’s coming up which I don’t have a definite date for. I’ve been freaking out over it a bit because I could turn up to school and be told I have to sit the exam that day. At first I couldn’t concentrate, I reread the same sentence five times before I remember I have a shit load of sugar free energy drinks in my fridge. Seven hours and five cans of sugar free V later I finished studying all the content my teacher instructed me to study. That was half an hour ago. It’s now 7.40pm and I’m buzzing but relaxed at the same time. My head is going a million miles an hour but it’s not exactly negative thoughts like it normally is, it’s just random thoughts racing through my head. I’m alert but exhausted at the same time. I’m ready for bed. I’m ready for sleep. Hurry up 8pm so I can take my night meds and go to sleep. 

Today was day three of the abc diet. The limit was 300 calories and I had 280. I didn’t get to exercise today but a total of 280 isn’t really that bad. I mean, it’s not great but I can manage. 

Well…

If you’ve been following me long enough you would know how often I’ve been in hospital a lot lately. Well today makes 8 admissions in 8 weeks. I passed out… again. I know I’m passing out because of my calorie intake but I can’t tell my group home or the hospital that because then they’ll admit me to an ED clinic. I can’t do anything about my calorie intake that would stop the passing out. Maybe I could exercise less but I really don’t want to do that. I didn’t really even have to go to the hospital. I felt fine afterwards, a bit light-headed and a bit weak but I was/am fine. The only reason I went to hospital is because the staff at my group home freaked out and called an ambulance. Once I woke up and realised they’d called an ambulance I begged them to cancel it but they refused. So here I am back at the hospital. I’ve seen the doctor and he’s keeping me in over night for observations. My major problem with that is there’s no beds so I’m stuck in a chair in the waiting room for the night. I need sleep. I just want to go home. I just need to go to sleep. Ughhh…

Also I saw my normal neuro today and her words exactly were “after reading the report from the neurosurgeon who you saw yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that you do not have IH, you do not need to be on diamox and your eye sight is fine”.  I asked why the sudden turn around with my diagnosis and she said that she was wrong. I asked what’s causing the headaches/migraines and she said I’m just getting the common headache and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Then she decided that my mental health meds were useless. She decided she wanted to take me off them and that they were to stop instantly. I was already quite annoyed, but this is when I got pissed off to the max. I asked her about her qualifications in psychiatry. Of course she had none. I asked her if she knew the reasons I am on these meds, and she had no idea. Then I asked her if she knew how my body would react if I just stopped taking these meds and she replied “oh MAYBE your headache will stop” I stood up, gave her my case managers and my psychiatrists phone numbers, told her to have fun and walked out. 

Anyway, today was the second day of the abc diet. 500 calories was my limit. I had 450. I burnt off 750 calories in cardio, so the net total was -300cals. I’m not over the moon with that total but any negative total is better than a positive total. 

Fucking fuck fuck FUCK

I had my Neurosurgeon appointment today. It was my first time seeing this doctor so I was a bit anxious. My normal neurologist sent me to him to get a second opinion. My normal doctor diagnosed me with Intracranial Hypertension about a year ago and it’s progressively been getting worse. He put me on medication to reduce to cerbrospinal fluid around my brain. My doctor increased the dosage just last week, saying that it’s the highest dose available and that if it doesn’t start working surgery will be the only option. 

The Neurosurgeon got his assistant to do a bunch of tests on my eyes. Then I saw the doctor for TEN MINUTES! The test results said that I have lost 27% of my vision. He said I don’t have IH and he doesn’t know what’s causing the vision loss. He took me off the meds my normal neuro put me on and told me to take some vitamin and that should take the headaches away, then sent me on my way. 

I am so fucking pissed off. I’ve been seeing my normal neuro for over a year, you think he would have diagnosed me with IH for nothing?! I’ve had MRIs, lumbar punctures and many many other tests, they all came back with results that put me in the IH category. Then I see this doctor for ten fucking minutes and he says there’s nothing wrong with me. Really?! What’s causing these debilitating migraines? What’s causing my sight loss? What the fuck is going on with me if there’s nothing wrong with me?! I’m so angry right now. 

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I started the abc diet again today. 500 cals, it’s 5.45pm and I’ve only had 200 so far.